Key

There is a key to understanding me. I'm sure this doesn't make me special from any other person. Everyone has a key. Each key is unique. I know many who make lots of copies of their keys and give many people access to what makes them special. They show it off for everyone to see how beautiful they are. There is nothing wrong with this. In fact I envy people who have the capacity to bare themselves open for all the world to see. I cannot. I do not make copies of my key. There is but one master key. Only one person at a single time in my life has my key. This doesn't mean I don't give parts of myself freely to others. It's simply that I hold a great deal of myself private. I share a great deal of myself in pieces to different individuals but no one gets the whole picture.

For ten years my key belong to someone who refused to use it. Someone who I desperately wanted to open that lock and see what he was missing. The ironic thing is that he refused to believe he had my key the entire time. In truth, it was simply invisible to a man who refused to see it.

Now the key is mine again, free to give to a willing soul. One day I know I'll be ready to share my key again. For now, I continue to share pieces of myself within the confines of what I deem safe. Unfortunately it means people only get to see glimpses of me...sometimes good, sometimes bad. I know the illusion isnt always accurate. It's almost humorous to see how others see me. The baby girl, the innocent, the quiet and shy, the brat, the bitch, the confident, the goofy, the dark deviant, and the loyal submissive. I don't know which one you see but know there is more to me.

I dont trust easy. Im skittish and often quiet. Its hard for me to approach people and I'm easily intimidated. Chances are if you're reading this then I want to know you, I just may be to shy to try. I don't mean to be stand-offish, I just don't know what to say. It just takes me a while to open up and be comfortable with new people.

Maybe one day I'll feel safe to make copies of my key. Until then, please be understanding if you do not have all of me.

Submission

I haven’t always wanted to serve. I
haven’t even known what being a submissive is for very long in
comparison to many. There’s no magical connection or story where
the light went off and I said “I’m a submissive; my whole life
makes sense now.” I’ve heard those stories, I know they happen to
many. For me it was a much more subtle dawning. I don’t remember
the exact moments of how I came to be wondering around the halls of
chat BDSM rooms. All I know is the more I started following the path
of D/s, I felt more and more at home. Everything started to fall into
place inside myself. Outside my world didn’t match who I was
becoming. 

I started the way many people start,
with the internet. I begin chatting and becoming obsessed with
learning and watching and seeing the thoughts and fantasies of people
online. I still didn’t know that this was acceptable behavior in
the “real world”. I begin to learn variables and differences,
protocols, greetings, terms, and my mind started to expand. I became
obsessed. I spent all my time on the internet chatting with these
individuals who understood me so well. Since then I’ve grown,
learned, succeeded and failed in this lifestyle. 

As far as what I get out of being a submissive, that's easy. It keeps me balanced. The pain that I can get from a canning or spanking can center me and help me release built up tension and stress. The pain makes me cry and let go and it can often be like a reset button. Now, once that reset button is push, the pain then becomes erotic to me. The act of submitting is erotic to me. Kneeling in front of my Dom and being at his will and mercy makes my body quake in anticipation. There is also the craving for forced submission. Forced submission is what makes it all OK for me. I have some very dark desires, things that my family would probably die if they ever knew about. I know this and these desires cause me shame. I feel shame and wrong for having them, yet I still need them. If I asked for them on my own, the guilt for doing those acts would eat me up. I'd feel tarnished. Forced submission absolves me of my guilt. I'm not given a choice. I have to do this to please my Dominant. The choice is taken from me and I'm able to actually "enjoy" the act that is taking place. I'm able to let go. 

The Truth

There is a saying "The truth will set you free". I do believe that the truth releases a lot of stress, anxiety and guilt that one can harbor when lies destroy lives and hurt loved ones. The problem is that usually there is more than one version of the truth. When you're a victim of lies and betrayal you're often at the mercy of someone else's lies. The story gets spun so many times by those involved that no one is telling the 100% truth.

    I have been a victim of lies. I've been a victim of deceit, hurt and distrust. I'm no fool to how many versions of the truth there can be. The problem is unless you are the person who's spun the web of lies and distrust you will never know 100% of the truth. The originator themselves may not even know all the truth because sometimes time and emotions and influence of others can shift ones memory.

     Dont judge what you dont know. Dont assume that you're getting the full story because you're probably not. People never want their friends and family to see the ugly side of them. They're not going to tell you the negative roles they played in past. They'll have no problem telling you what wrong-doing happened to them but they'll leave out important details that would make it easy to defend or understand the other parties involved. Lets be honest, when you're pissed.....you dont want to hear from the person you're venting to that it might not be the other persons fault. Instead it might be the person you love who is at fault.

     In reality, we're all at fault for the roles we played. We're all to blame for things going the way they did. We all have free will and could have made different choices but we didnt. Whether its because we didnt know the full story, or we didnt know any better or we were lied to (or we lied to ourselves)...it doesnt matter. Being angry at someone who really had no intentions of hurting anyone and in all reality cared about the people involved with all their heart....seems heartless. Take responsibility for the truth.  You werent the only one who was hurt and lied to and deceived. No one is perfect.

Stronger

I'm having a hard time this week. Some days, I feel like I can't possibly survive this pain. Then I play this song and I feel just a little bit stronger...


A Little Bit Stronger
-Sara Evans

Woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain
But I brushed my teeth anyway
I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face
I got a little bit stronger

Riding in the car to work and I'm trying to ignore the hurt
So I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of you
I listened to it for minute but I changed it
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger

And I'm done hoping that we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

Doesn't happen overnight but you turn around
And a month's gone by and you realize you haven't cried
I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer
I'm busy getting stronger
[ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/s/sara-evans-lyrics/a-little-bit-stronger-lyrics.html ]

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking, that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger

Getting along without you, baby
I'm better off without you, baby
How does it feel without me, baby?
I'm getting stronger without you, baby

And I'm done hoping we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

I get a little bit stronger
Just a little bit stronger
A little bit, a little bit, a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger

-Posted by Storey via iPad

New hair color!

-Posted by Storey via iPad

New Beginings...again!

I'm not unaware that I've talked about starting over before. However, I've never had my own apartment before...ever! I'm all moved in, almost completely unpacked (I think my clothes will take forever). I feel settled, even though the moments of weirdness are beyond measurable. This past few weeks has been full of surprises. Firstly, moving in was incredible. I had probably a dozen people in and out of my apartment that first weekend. It appeared no one wanted to leave me alone and everyone had the goal of making my life as easy as possible for this transition. Within less than 48 hours I was essentially unpacked, pictures hung up, and organized...not to mention several housewarming presents. I was overwhelmed by the love that I felt from the people in my life.

The second most surprising thing was the fact that I learned from several individuals that one of the reasons we lost touch is because they felt they could no longer support my life. In specific, they were too frustrated by my marriage to be around me. Even though I've heard people say that this happens to them when they split from a marriage or relationship, I truly did not expect it. I've literally had 3 people in the last week randomly come out of the past and offer their friendship. I dont know what to think of that really. Honestly, I dont.

The range of emotions that I feel is a bit absurd. I range from happy to content to miserable, sometimes within less than a minute between them. Everything is new. I almost feel like I'm reborn in a way. I thought I would feel more of a connection to the past but it almost feels like another life. Sometimes the emotions occasionally leak over. I dont know if time will make the past and present blend together more or if it will continue to feel like an abrupt start and stop.

I intend to enjoy my life. I will embrace the sadness and the tears that are bound to come from time to time. I am determined to find happiness and love once more. Mostly, I am going to find me in all of this. I cant wait to see just who that is...

Moving

I signed a one year lease on an apartment yesterday -solo-. I'm moving in two weeks. On The one hand it makes me commit to one year alone,on the other hand it definitely signals the end of a decade of marriage. I'm conflicted on how to feel even though we both have been on this road for years. I dunno... I'm just ready for the next two weeks to be over. I'm ready to be happy about my decision. It's valentines day and I just feel alone.

Selfish

I'm selfish. I know I'm selfish. Yet, that doesnt stop me from behaving that way at times.

I'm a masochist- Thats a new realization. I like pain... physical and emotional. If I cant get the pain I need, I'll create it. I used to create it physically but I've just realized how much I create emotionally.

I really was blind to it but, I see it clearly now.

I'm not sure whether I even want to change. I'm not comfortable without some sort of emotional pain and inner turmoil going on.

I dont know how to be happy and to just enjoy that happiness.